Angel to Angel

We'd like to have a different Angel write a special feature article each month on any topic related to our troops. If you have an idea for a future article, please contact Jennifer at editjen at gmail.com. Thanks to Ryan (ImToasterGirl) for this month's article.

R&R: Homecoming Stress and Coping

Our family enjoyed good times when my brother, Mark, came home for rest and recuperation. We didn’t know what to expect besides the regular Mark we knew, a funny, nonchalant, “man’s man” who doesn’t mince words and who can fix anything from a broken pipe to a toaster that keeps catching fire.

During the few weeks of R&R, Mark filled up his schedule with all the things he’d missed the most while living away from his home, his wife and his kids. He relished the chance to do all the things he couldn’t do in distant lands. Mark went to Sea World, fixed up the kids’ playhouse, shopped at Home Depot, had a romantic dinner date with his wife, savored spicy enchiladas and corn toasted tamales, tasted the forgotten tangy sauce steaming from calzone and the smooth tartness of berry yogurt.

After making rounds, visiting and celebrating, Mark scurried like a hungry mouse getting ready for winter. He grew frantic trying to finish self-created “to do” lists. He grew brash and short tempered. Sometimes he needed a lot of space; he preferred to either be alone or in the company of other men. Unconsciously, he’d often walk out of a room soon after a woman joined the room or the conversation.

What did we do wrong? Did Mark need to get away from us or did he simply just need to get away? Things seemed different; he seemed different. Who or what was to blame? R&R did not go exactly how we’d imagined. If we’d only known then what you will know now!

EXPECTATIONS, FANTASIES AND CHANGE

Expectations and fantasies are a normal part of life. Before a reunion, you play out scenes in your head. Maybe you are thinking how the conversation will go, what the person will look like, or imagine a whole scenario playing out. Have you ever noticed that nothing ever goes as expected? Life is not necessarily better or worse than the fantasy you have in your head, but it is DIFFERENT. It’s okay to have fantasies, but do not confuse them with destiny.

The key is to develop your expectations and to simply make sure that they are realistic. For example, if your soldier deploys with your marital relationship having had many problems, do not expect those problems to disappear when he returns. There may be a honeymoon phase upon arrival, but know that core issues are still very alive and need to be addressed. If you always quarreled about finances before deployment, you might quarrel about them during R&R.
Expect change. Yes, you have changed and so has your soldier. Time changes people and their environments. Without growth, there is no life. We are masters of adaptation so expect that your soldier may have changed in a few ways. Viewing change as fearful or negative keeps you from accepting it. Conversely, accepting change helps you to grow and to move forward in the present. If you spend your time blaming or resenting changes, you will waste valuable time and energy. Your resentment will show and it will turn to regret.

View change as opportunity. Change represents new beginnings and it is necessary to accept so long as it is not a change that is considered detrimental. Every experience, every minute, changes us. Choose to welcome change as a necessary and positive challenge. Realize too, that some behaviors you may notice in your soldier are a direct result of what he/she has been through and that some changes last while others are merely transitional coping and adapting strategies.

An example of a transitional coping strategy is given at the beginning of this article where I describe the reunion with my brother. Mark comes home and seems to need a lot of time alone; in particular, away from women. Instantly my mother and I took this behavior personally. We assumed that he was bothered by us. When addressed with his behavior, Mark noted that he was just repeating the circumstances he’d been so used to while in the military. It took him a while before he felt comfortable in a room full of people, including women. We are all creatures of habit!

Importantly, one of the things that both you and your soldier can do to minimize disappointment and maximize the fruition of your expectations is to communicate! Ask your soldier what he expects to do while on leave. Share your own expectations and see where you meet and where you can compromise. For example, does your soldier want any time away from the children? How do you feel about having your children babysat for one night? Does your soldier expect to visit a lot of places or does he simply want to stay close to home? Where does he/she want to eat? Is there anyone special that he/she would like to visit? Make plans. Express any concerns such as how to handle in-laws, children, etcetera.

You will find R&R reunions less stressful if you communicate about activities and concerns beforehand. The reunion will never turn out exactly how you anticipated, but talking about expectations will help you minimize stressors for both you and your soldier. Certain stressors are normal when expecting a reunion such as spousal changes, friends’ and children’s reactions, and marital relationships. Discussing things ahead of time will give you a chance to be proactive instead of reactive. At the same time, allow for life to throw in some curve balls. After all, you will expect them!

HELPFUL HINTS

- You cannot control everything. Don’t even try.
- Let your soldier have as much space and alone time as needed.
- Expect, be a part of and accept change.
- Develop realistic expectations.
- Communicate with your soldier prior to and during R&R.
- Share your experiences as willing.
- Go slowly; don’t try to make up for lost time.
- Spend quality time with your children.
- Reassure your children as change often frightens them.
- Accept that your soldier may be different.
- Intimate relationships may be awkward at first. Take your time to get reacquainted.
- Forget your fantasies; reality may be quite different.
- Communicate with your family.
- Do not deny change or long for the way things used to be; it’s a waste of time.
- Do not blame everyone or everything else for change; this leads to a dead end and could cause more problems.
- Everyone involved in separation, including your soldier and children, have to deal with stress.
- Anxiety is a natural and normal part of getting back together. It’s okay!
- If your soldier seems to cut you off for a while, this is normal. However if your soldier is too detached, unable to sleep, or if he/she seems like a different person, encourage outside assistance.
- An awareness that the soldier no long feels a part of things helps to understand why they can be upset by even the smallest changes.
- Recognition of the pride a partner/relative feels in the way he/she handled everything alone will help the soldier to understand the importance of accepting changes made during separation.
- Once the soldier feels truly at home and safe, behavior such as jumpiness, being overprotective, or going to extremes should subside. Patience is key so be willing to listen and empathize.
- Do not forget yourself as you go through this period of adjustment. Seek support systems.
- It is better to ask than to assume.
- Allow yourself to have fun!

TIPS ON HELPING CHILDREN ADJUST

- Children can get angry about their parent being gone. Listen to them and try to understand.
- Toddlers and preschoolers may act like the homecoming parent is a stranger. They might not understand about “duty” or “mission.” Be patient and gentle.
- Elementary school children and teens may understand but show anger or fear by acting out. - - Be patient, consistent, loving, and firm.
- Get reacquainted; take things slowly.
- Children are people, too. Try to see things from their perspective.
- Remember that children are resilient! They respond well to the most positive things you have to give from your heart.